I just want to be free of these thoughts and these doubts. Not just about what happened, well that’s the majority of it, but others things too. How will this end? How long will it last? How broken will I feel when it does end? Is it all really worth it? Did you lie or were you really telling the truth? How could I ever trust you again? Why, after anything you frustrated me about or the whole issues that happened, can I see breaking up with you as the last option? I shouldn’t be attached this much to someone else, it does me no good or peace of mind.
I open up to you waiting for the time you’ll throw it in my face. I wait for the time I find out it was all a lie. I wonder when my life will become like my parents. I hope for a day when I’ll be optimistic. I wish to cry on so many occasions but don’t. I wish to have some resemblance of control of my life. I wish to not hate my body when I see you look at it, or at all will also do.
There is so much I wish for and feel my heart ache under and wish for my mind to rest from. And unfortunately I don’t think I’ll ever feel that freedom.